Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not what I expected

As I begin my last semester of law school (I know, I know, I can't believe it either), I realize that my life is not exactly what I expected. In fact, it is so far from what I had planned for myself I really cannot fathom it.
When I was 12 I was sure that I would be married by the time I was 18, maybe 21 at the latest. I would be the young, hip mom with the house that all the kids would want to come to play at. I would be a stay at home mom, maybe doing some stuff on the side, writing, or something, and I woudl be happily married to some amazing person. If my plan would have been executed as planned, I would have at least a 10 year old if not a 12 year old, along with 4 other children, every 2 years after my eldest. I would still be in Utah (probably) and maybe happy with my life. Well, acording to my 12 year old self, I would be deliriously happy and love my life.

Instead, I am 32, single, living in a small town outside of Boston MA, in my last semester of law school. After which I will be moving to the DC area to try and find a job. I have never been married. I have no children and I am away from my family (which is harder at some times and easier at otehrs). I am also the happiest, most stable I have ever been. Now I know that some of that just comes with age and the whole maturing process, but for me, I know that a lot of it comes from the fact that I have had so many opportuinties to really decide who and what I want to be. I have travelled to some amazing places around the world, I have lived in DC, VA, NH, MA, UT, CA and all over in the last two states. I lived in Ireland for a summer. I have made friends on all these places and I have learned so much about what I needed to be the happiest. I have experienced things that I would not have been able to experience if I had lived out my plan. I would probably be unhappy, divorced with no education. I have seen this pattern in almost all of my friends lives who got married young, with nothing to fall back on. I have seen this in people who lived to get married, who never experienced living on their own, moving to a new place not knowing anyone and making it. I have struggled. I have suffered. I have felt so alone I wondered if anyone would know if I disappeared. I have loved. I have laughed. I have cried. I have LIVED!

I am not living the life that I expected. And I thank God for that almost every day.